It's hard for me to write this because I never dreamed that I would have to write a blog about how the end of My Chemical Romance was affecting me.
When I first found out, which, thankfully, was from my besties after a long day of work and not sitting alone at work in front of a computer screen, I was speechless. Mouth hanging open. Distraught.
The funny thing is.. they were like "You need to sit down. We have something we have to tell you."
I was all "did someone die?"
"Worse," they said.
"What? Like My Chemical Romance broke up? Or Blue October?" I joked.
They just looked at me.
I just couldn't, okay well still can't, really believe it. Not a lot of people.. okay nobody really 'cept the besties.. knows what MCR has meant to my life. The way that they and their music and their vision have inspired and moved me. I found them and they found me at a very crucial point in my life when "The Black Parade" came out. It reached into my soul and left its mark on my inner reality in such a way… I was changed. The change took some time to show itself in my outer life as much as my inner existence, but it was there from the first note. Seeing them perform "The Black Parade" in concert, from opening track to ending track, was phenomenal. There was drama, there was the rise of incredible song, there was epicness, there were zeppelins. I will always count it as one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And I will forever be grateful them for the way they fucked with my perceptions of the world and myself.
So I was inconsolable that night. When something that had been so significant to the structuring of my spirit was gone with no warning. No explanation. No word from the band who I had put so much of myself, my love and my faith into. How is this possible? This is not like them at all to post such an impersonal kiss-off on their website and just call it over so unceremoniously… I just couldn't understand.
I was hurt. I was angry. I demanded an explanation. Just ending the band like this with no words to the fans who have loved, supported, worked and bled for you is just not like you. It goes against everything you have ever been to us and said to us and inspired in us. Lost. I was lost.
Thank you, Gerard, for your post. Thank you for answering my painful, desolate cry of "Why?!" Thank you for being honest with me, with us, about why MCR has ended. I'm still not happy with the ending, of course, but at least I understand now. At least you spoke to me in your language and my own. You made sense for me of this heartbreaking end.
You never wanted MCR to become less than what it was built for. Less than the inspiration, the powerhouse, the epic that it was born for. You never wanted to find yourself going thru the motions in a concert. All these things I completely understand and respect because I share these ideas with you. I would never want MCR to become one of those bands that was long past its prime and still grasping for life and relevancy.
I remember watching a live performance once on tv. There was this singer who I had listened to growing up. She was amazing. She had the most incredible voice and she was easily called a legend. Idolized and worshipped. And she was on tv, performing live, to launch her "comeback" album. I watched in horror as this artist who I held in my mind as this legend, this powerhouse dive, giving a washed up has-been crack whore train wreck performance.. that I will never be able to forget. That performance colors every memory of her now. I'm watching the performance thinking how horribly sad that she couldn't accept the legendary status and adoration of millions of fans without having the constant glare of the spotlight. How tragic that she couldn't have remained a legend and was on stage note by note destroying the image I had of her in her glory days – at her career high.
It's what they talk about when they say a tv show or band should always "go out on top" rather clinging to life past their prime. I cannot agree more. I would never want to see an artist or band that I love like that. Having that be the last performance you see of their's just kills the magic they had in your mind.
I would never want that for MCR. So I completely understand Gerard (and the band's) decision to end it while they could still have that feeling, that power, to themselves and to their fans. They didn't want to destroy their magic by becoming something less amazing.
I can't say that I'll ever be 100% okay with losing them, but I will always have their music. I will always have those times that I saw them live and how I felt them then. I will always have the strength that they gave me with their words and their sound.
Thank you, My Chemical Romance.
Thank you Gerard, Mikey, Frank, Ray (and even Bob).
Thank you for everything that you meant to my life. To my friends. And everything that you have meant to my friendship with them.
Listening to: mah besties chatting animatedly
Reading: Gway's goodbye post
Playing: The Black Parade vs Danger Days playlist
Eating: a snack-size meat slab
Drinking: a bottle of water